The Tale of Toxic Criticism
Do you have a toxic criticizer in your life, ?
I was criticized incessantly while growing up. (Please read the whole post to find out why)
My parents weren’t perfect, but they tried their best.
From morning to night, I was criticized for the smallest fault.
Here’s an example:
When I was in kindergarten, my mother would give me a quarter to buy a carton of milk.
One day, she gave me 2
dimes and a nickel.
Later that day, I found those 2 dimes in my jacket pocket and thought it was extra money. I was SO EXCITED because the
school was selling sparkly pencils, 3 for 20 cents, and lo and behold, here’s 20 cents!
At lunchtime, I realized my mistake, and the cafeteria lady
charged a milk to my account.
I had honestly forgotten, but still I was berated over a 20 cent mistake.*
Years later, I was still trying to live that one down. Every time I made a mistake, I was reminded of that time in kindergarten when I wasted 20 cents on pencils.
I learned to work harder to avoid the mistakes in the first place. Pretty soon, I was almost academically flawless. Fewer mistakes = less
criticism.
But the FEW mistakes I did make stood out even more.
~~~Misspelling “yea” in
2nd grade
~~~Mispronouncing “chihuahua” in 4th grade.
~~~Misspelling “tedious” in a 5th grade spelling bee.
Almost perfect just wasn’t perfect enough.
For DECADES, my fear of
“getting something wrong” and being criticized DROVE me…
~~~Through college, where I got the first and only C in my life (and was
devastated)
~~~In my career, when I literally gave myself shingles because I was stressed over a work mistake
~~~In parenting, when I was afraid of getting it wrong, and so I tried to always be the best parent I could (but also was critical of my kids’ mistakes because I was trying to be
“helpful”)
Toxic criticism.
It had ruined my childhood, and now I was passing it to my
children.
So I ended it.
☠️I killed my criticizer.
(If you just gasped, thinking I killed my parents, I didn’t.)
It wasn’t actually my parents who were criticizing me incessantly, from morning to night.
Nope, that was me.
I was the one who would endlessly criticize myself for any mistake I made.
If my parents HAD been perfect
parents, they would have realized what I was doing to myself (in my head) and taught me better.
Like Jesus would have done.
I have 2 points with this tale:
1. Our worst critic is sometimes our own mind
2. Parents, you cannot hold yourself to the standard of “I should have known what my child was thinking.”
BUT, even if your “toxic criticizer” is someone outside you, you NEED to know this:
- They can only offer you their thoughts. Those criticisms won’t hurt you until you actually believe them.
Here’s how I ☠️☠️☠️killed my criticizer. With kindness. Praise.
“I’m proud of you for doing it even if it didn’t turn out perfect.”
“Good and done is better than perfect but not done.”
“It’s okay to be human.”
“Without mistakes, there’s no need for grace, and grace is AMAZING.”
Now, gonna be honest.
I DO make more mistakes now.
And, most of the time, I offer myself GRACE.
Sometimes, I forget (old habits do die hard).
But that’s okay.
Nobody’s perfect.
My guide for
dealing with Toxic Criticism:
Never ARGUE with your criticizer. (That’s exhausting, and she has a LOT of arguments for why she’s right, and
you’re wrong. You’ll probably lose the argument - even against yourself. Trust me.)
Instead, you AGREE and KILL it with
kindness.
👀Be aware of when it’s happening
💪Counteract it EVERY SINGLE TIME with “YES, AND…”, followed by compassion or praise
❤️❤️❤️YES, I messed up, AND no one’s perfect.
❤️❤️❤️YES, that was a mistake, AND I am getting better.
❤️❤️❤️YES, I could have done that better, AND I’m proud of myself for doing it anyway.
Whether your criticizer is YOU, or is someone near
you, remember this - you can ALWAYS choose to counteract that criticism with kindness.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue…
